“You Ask Why I Act As I Do”

You ask why I act as I do – My screaming, throwing, hitting – I think that I should know, But I don’t know.

My actions – they call them, compulsive, impulsive, repulsive – Keep bursting out, of some nameless, chaotic, broken place that you call my ‘self’.

You say that they are intentional, though I don’t know if I’ve ever had an intention, if you mean a clear motive. That follows from my own interwoven thoughts and feelings. You talk about thoughts and feelings as if I had any idea what you are talking about. I guess I have them since you say so, but I just cannot find words – or even pictures – for them.

If you want to help me… help me to stop what I’m doing, you will have to go with me into the inner place that is me. You will have to join your thoughts with mine, and your feelings with mine. Give me words for those moving forms within me.

If I let you discover and name those inner places in me, I will feel terror that you might name them ‘disgusting’ or ‘evil’.  Understand why I hesitate.

If you can accept what you find in me and believe it to be of value, I may learn to do the same. If you join me inside and help me to arrange the parts inside – name, understand, and even be proud of them – we will know why I do what I do and we will discover what I now can begin to do.”

Hughes,D. (2012). It was that one moment. United Kingdom. Worth Publishing.

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